We are back (a few days late but who’s counting)! And this time our episode is on 1872 loser Horace Greeley. He was the inventor of the modern newspaper and thus our current deplorable 24-minute news cycle. He was a genius, a prodigy, a wunderkind one of the most famous men in America, but one of the worst political losers of all time.
In fact, he lost to Ulysses S. Grant, earning the lowest amount of electoral votes for any candidate nominated by a major party*.
*Due to a technicality… listen here to find out more!
Now. Take a look at this weird looking fella.
Okay. Not exactly presidential, but not… wait a minute. Is that his collar?
OMG It’s NOT his collar. It’s his neckbeard. What is it with these guys and neckbeards? Well surely this is just a bad pict-
GAH! They could have literally drawn anything else, and THAT’s how they made him look?
Okay, so giant hat aside, maybe not too bad looking as a young man? Other than, you know, maybe being cross-eyed.
It took me a solid 20 seconds before I realized he was holding his hat, not a Hogwarts wand.
So he was a troll, basically. Cool.
Here’s the Greeley-Brown campaign poster. They at least got him looking reasonable here.
And here’s his running mate, Benjamin Gratz Brown.
Horatio Seymour, Governor of New York, Democrat, most certainly did NOT want to be a candidate for president. The same as he had not wanted to be Governor, or Senator, or Mayor of Utica, or anything really except an upstate farmer and amateur historian.
But he didn’t get his wish. Although maybe he did in the end – he was routed by General Ulysses S. Grant in the election of 1868.
What would life have been like if the Great Decliner had refused himself into office?
The quintessential Horatio Seymour. Warm eyes. Bald head. Epic neckbeard.
The neckbeard persisted, even in the painted form.
The older statesman.
The younger, very reluctant upstart.
The Democratic ticket gets photographed, 1868.
Typical pamphlet of the time.
And the typical Tribune-style mockery of Seymour.
From Horatio Seymour! the Video Game.
We are finally back with a new episode! And we’re back to the Civil War, where the American people wanted to replace an Illinois liberal with an inexperienced non-politician with authoritarian / dictatorial tendencies and a habit of thinking he was the best thing since sliced bread… sorta like today, huh?
Listen up here.
Below are some sweet pics of General George Brinton McClellan.
The classic Napoleonic pose. Hand stuffed in jacket to make sure all nipples are still present.
Now one from the side.
With the wife, Nellie. She looks a tad over it.
“Make sure you make me look awesome, okay? Do I look awesome? Okay, make sure.”
His horse was always prancing, because it was always 10 miles off the battlefield.
Staring up at Lincoln after Antietam. The mood is awkward.
In later life, as Governor of New Jersey.
His tiny tiny campaign poster.
Caricaturists loved discussing his height. Just like Trump’s hands.
And his wartime cowardice.
But the man still makes covers today, so who are we to judge?
In your back, you know we’re… back.
Okay, sorry for the awful rhyme. But we’re back! With a brand new episode all about conservative-libertarian uber-icon Barry Goldwater! By all accounts, Goldwater would have been the most conservative president of probably all time – much like our own recent ex-candidate Ted Cruz.
Goldwater, a war hero, businessman and Senator, lost in a nuclear landslide to Lyndon B. Johnson. But in doing so, he repositioned the GOP as a conservative, Southern and Midwestern party, ushering in the rise of Nixon, Reagan, the Bushes and the GOP dominance of the nation that persists today.
But how would he have been as president? Would he, as he stated, use nuclear weapons to obliterate Vietnam? And if so, what would happen?
Your quintessential Goldwater. The glasses. The lantern jaw. The I-can-tell-you’re-bullshitting-me stare.
Goldwater in mid-speech.
A 1980s Goldwater – apparently taken at his family’s department store, Goldwater’s.
Goldwater with his VP choice, Bill Miller.
Remember chemistry class? No? Okay, then this button means nothing to you.
When Goldwater came out with THIS tagline…
The Democrats responded with THIS tagline.
A younger, 1950s Goldwater.
A younger, 1940s Goldwater.
How young we going here?
This is my favorite. Barry just looks awesome here.
“I don’t always run for President… But when I do, I promise to nuke Vietnam and roll back civil rights.”
But guess who hearted Goldwater? Yep, America’s little darling, Hillary Rodham.
A Governor of Ohio… successful businessman… ran after 8 years of Democratic rule… only to lose to a man with very little ideology and even less idea of how politics work…
No, I’m not talking about 2016’s John Kasich losing the primary to Donald Trump.
I’m talking about Gov. James Cox, the Democrat’s 1920 candidate, and maybe one of the strongest candidates ever to run… as well as the one who lost by the widest possible popular vote. Figures.
Listen up here!
Here’s the pics:
Quintessential Cox: intense, serious, glasses pinched precariously on his nasion.
But from another angle… well, he’s basically the same.
Even more serious. And do I spy a milk mustache?
more light-hearted Cox.
Cox and Woodrow Wilson (left, corpse-like).
Cox in typical 19-diggity-four finery.
I want one!
Cox’s running mate, Franklin D. Somethingorother.
Cox and Franklin took a lot of pics together.
Here they take a quiet walk. Franklin could totally walk!
Cox working up the nerve to kiss Franklin. Franklin sees it coming.
Did you know? In the 1910s, every human male had to walk around with a self-identification tag that told your stereotype.
UPDATE!: I have also included a dramatic reading of the premature New York Times obituary of John Breckinridge, given while he was thought killed as a Confederate General in the Civil War… but actually still alive. Oops. But it’s awesome. Listen here.
FINALLY, we wrap up the divisive election of 1860. With perhaps the most interesting man of the three, John Cabell Breckinridge. He was the youngest Vice President, a scion of a powerful political family, and later a Confederate general and perhaps the most-hated man in the United States. In other circumstances, he could have been one of the greats. Oh well. That’s history for you.
And then take a gander at Breckinridge, who might possibly be our dreamiest Loser.